a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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