So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
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