you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
