My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
