we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
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