i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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