Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
