I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
