buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
