my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
