we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
