Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
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