his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
