booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
