Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
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