I only kidnapped one of them. chill
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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