If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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