I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
