I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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