I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
