Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
