I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
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