She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Randomize
