I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
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