I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Randomize
