1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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