oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
