I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
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