just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
