i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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