Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
