for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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