never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
