she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
