she looked like the bat from fern gully.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
