I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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