i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
