every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
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