She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
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