I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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