Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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