I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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