I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Just high enough for therapy.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
