I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
