My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
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