We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
