Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
