The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize