I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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