Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
