just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Randomize
