I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
