I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Randomize
