Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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