Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
