my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
