Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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