we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
