I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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