I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
