Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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