How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
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