It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
